As I type this, I’m unsure of whether I should be referring to Minnie as ‘was’ or ‘is’. Do you know how old Minnie Mouse is? Well, she made he debut in the 1920s…  So if I refer to her as ‘is’ (shudder!) I can’t help but think of zombies and cryogenics. Since there are no current Minnie MOuse movies being made, I’ll gladly refer to her as ‘was’.

Here’s the thing: Mickie Mouse is of course Disney’s ‘logo’, embassador, main guy, big fish… whatever you want to call it. Or is he?

It turns out that - much to my own amazement - Minnie Mouse is FAR more popular than Mickie! Oh, and I mean far more popular by a mile and a half!

Go search ebay for Mickey Mouse…. then search again for Minnie Mouse

I just tried and came up with 4 items for Mickie… to over 1000 ebay items for Minnie Mouse!

Now… THAT is impressive Go Minnie!!!

Any Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson will surely agree that this is their best work to date. I think Adrian Edmondson wrote most of the material, if I’m not mistaking.

Bottom is the story of 2 flatmates living in squalor in a decaying flat in London. Their adventures are hilarious! Their relationship is violent and loaded with sexual undertones, and the situations they find themselves in are extremely funny.

One of my favourite episodes is The Gas man, where Ritchie and Eddie (the characters) are visited by a gas inspector for a meter reading. Ritchie and Eddie immediately panic because they have been stealing next door’s gas supply for months, and try everything to dissuade the gas inspector from entering their home. When this fails, they attack the gas inspector who is knocked unconscious. Believing they have killed him, Ritchie and Eddie are thrown into a frenzy of panic where they try and come up with ways to get rid of the body, from wrapping it up in a rug to trying to throw it out of the window on to a London bus.

Although Bottom the series hasn’t been around for a while you can pick up Bottom dvds and videos from ebay for a song and a dance!

Hmm… I don’t think I’m eating properly…

Prisons are over-crowded. So what do we do? We shorten criminal’s sentences, and in some cases we subject the naughty bastards to community service: brushing the streets and painting fences for 6 weeks will teach those buggers not to rape anybody in future…

Somehow, I’m not surprised by this. If you look at previous fantantic ideas to deal effectively with the criminal element you’ll soon arrive at my favourite one of them all:

What did we do with all the convicts in the country? That’s right: we sent them to a paradise tropical island called Australia. In the meantime, we all stayed here in England, enjoying the never-ending rain and the beautiful gale-force winds that make the cheeks blush blood-red and the eyes weep with anguish. Whoever thought of that one really wants congratulating in a special way.

And here we are again today, faced with the same problem. And this time, ironically, we can’t send them to Australia because they decided to make up some immigration laws to stop everybody else from moving in!

OK, so let’s review the options:

We have a bunch of psychopaths and we can’t fit them all into small cells.

1. We could shoot them and be done with them.
Problem: this would cause an uproar.
Ok: we could shoot them, be done with them AND tell nobody.
Ok, let’s be humane about this.

2. We send them to a paradise island.
Nope. We already did that one.

3. We send them to France.
No objections there…

I have a better idea. These people are mostly violent types: they like to punch and get punched; bully and abuse. OK, why don’t we slip some uniforms on them and send them out to the front line? Chose a conflict - any conflict. There you go. Have fun.

At least when they get shot to pieces, it was for their country…

If that was the way criminals were dealt with, I would stop stealing stationary.

This is because plastic bags are bad for the environment (mind you, so are humans, but we don’t go around disposing of them permanently (at least in a systematic way). Plastic bags simply don’t die: when you dump them, they take forever and a day to disintegrate (if they do, at all).

The cardboard box and the canvas bags are set to become daily essentials. The fashion industry will soon begin making sexy cardboard boxes and canvas bags that set your hormones on fire.

If you ask me, I think the carrier bag is a damn handy invention. It prevents you from dropping your shopping all over the place.

Why then, can’t we make bio-degradable carrier bags? This would solve the problem! We could go shopping AND carry our shopping around in carrier bags!

Is nobody thinking?

We can take the caffeine out of coffee; the fat out of food; the enjoyment out of life… and you’re telling me we can’t make a bio-degradable bag?

I feel much better now…

Have you ever seen them doing this on TV? They tip-toe along and prod the ground very gently with a stick. And then, sometimes, they go boom.

Well, why not use rats instead? Why not pack a few truck-loads and then let them loose on the strip? As long as the soldiers and the rats don’t become friends on the way there, nobody gets ‘hurt’.

I mean emotionally.

Except the rats’ friends…

OK, if that’s a little controversial (Mickey Mouse has friends in high places) why not pack truck-loads of dead rats instead? They could throw the rats up ahead of them to see if they go boom.

Surely that has to be better than risking your own limbs?

OK, they could lob melons up onto the strip from a safe distance. At worse, they get showered in pips.

OK, that’s not a good option while there’s a food shortage…

Damn it, they could throw anything in front of them!

Why doesn’t somebody tell them!