Lately, I keep finding bits of banana lodged inside my t-shirt. This morning I discovered some crunched up walnut hanging around the back of my right ear, and just the other day somebody pulled (like a magician) an entire lettuce from my left nostril!
Hmm… I don’t think I’m eating properly…

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I found a pile of phonographic magazines under the bed today, but they took them away when they caught me composing myself.

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Yet another fabulous idea from the people in charge…
Prisons are over-crowded. So what do we do? We shorten criminal’s sentences, and in some cases we subject the naughty bastards to community service: brushing the streets and painting fences for 6 weeks will teach those buggers not to rape anybody in future…
Somehow, I’m not surprised by [...]

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Everybody’s talking about loosing the carrier bag. A town in the UK has already implemented this: shops no longer give out bags. Instead, people have to walk around with boxes or canvas bags just in case they decide to shop for something on the spot.
This is because plastic bags are bad for the environment (mind [...]

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I have come to the conclusion that, in life, you always pay more for the black one.

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My pencil is from China. How can I tell if it contains excessive amounts of lead?

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Do you talk to your sat nav? Do you argue with it when it tells you to go one way and you want to go the other? Do you shout at it and call it stupid when it can’t lock on to a satellite signal and you discover that you’ve been driving the wrong way [...]

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I had an idea today whilst sitting at the traffic lights. I was thinking for some reason about land mines and how many soldiers lose limbs when they have to test a land strip for the things.
Have you ever seen them doing this on TV? They tip-toe along and prod the ground very gently with [...]

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A big fat spider wearing glasses rushed into my bathroom this morning.
I shouted: ‘Hey, four-eyes!’
The spider laughed at my math…

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This really would be a stunning joke to be remembered for ever and a day…
When the crew of the next NASA space shuttle re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere back from their orbital mission, we should all slip into monkey costumes and freak them out!

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Sometimes I feel like I’ve been living under a rock, having just emerged to find that the world has gone mad.
It’s useful if you have allergies to see ‘may contain nuts’ (or traces of nuts or whathever) on the label of a cake, especially if the cake is covered in chocolate and cream and you [...]

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I refuse to believe that I am the only person to whom this happens on a regular basis:
Checking the sell by date on a tin or a can…
You start by looking at the label, where you would think somebody logical would place the sell by date, so that it can be found easily. But no, [...]

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Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
Is it so the rest of us can see what it’s like?

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I have a distinct memory of a particular advertising campaign some years ago, but it’s so ridiculous that I’m not entirely sure whether my mind (for some bizarre reason) has fabricated this.
Round about the time when HIV was first receiving a lot of media attention, one particular phrase became a kind of slogan. It was:
AIDS, [...]

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What a great song by Katie Mellua… who I thought was actually Katie Tonsil
But every time I hear it I want to know if it’s true that it’s a fact!
How does she know this? Is there a census for bicycles in China?
This bothers me.
I’m going to stop listening to that song…

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Why is the word phonetic NOT ‘phonetic’ in itself! If it was, it would be spelt ‘fonetic’!
I believe the Irish spell the word ‘fonetic’. This makes me tremendously happy. Somebody somewhere does think!
But back to the cretin who thought fonetic should be spelt with a ‘ph’. Could this perhaps be the same joker who then [...]

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