Prisons are overcrowded
Yet another fabulous idea from the people in charge…
Prisons are over-crowded. So what do we do? We shorten criminal’s sentences, and in some cases we subject the naughty bastards to community service: brushing the streets and painting fences for 6 weeks will teach those buggers not to rape anybody in future…
Somehow, I’m not surprised by this. If you look at previous fantantic ideas to deal effectively with the criminal element you’ll soon arrive at my favourite one of them all:
What did we do with all the convicts in the country? That’s right: we sent them to a paradise tropical island called Australia. In the meantime, we all stayed here in England, enjoying the never-ending rain and the beautiful gale-force winds that make the cheeks blush blood-red and the eyes weep with anguish. Whoever thought of that one really wants congratulating in a special way.
And here we are again today, faced with the same problem. And this time, ironically, we can’t send them to Australia because they decided to make up some immigration laws to stop everybody else from moving in!
OK, so let’s review the options:
We have a bunch of psychopaths and we can’t fit them all into small cells.
1. We could shoot them and be done with them.
Problem: this would cause an uproar.
Ok: we could shoot them, be done with them AND tell nobody.
Ok, let’s be humane about this.
2. We send them to a paradise island.
Nope. We already did that one.
3. We send them to France.
No objections there…
I have a better idea. These people are mostly violent types: they like to punch and get punched; bully and abuse. OK, why don’t we slip some uniforms on them and send them out to the front line? Chose a conflict – any conflict. There you go. Have fun.
At least when they get shot to pieces, it was for their country…
If that was the way criminals were dealt with, I would stop stealing stationary.
Where’s my bag?
Everybody’s talking about loosing the carrier bag. A town in the UK has already implemented this: shops no longer give out bags. Instead, people have to walk around with boxes or canvas bags just in case they decide to shop for something on the spot.
This is because plastic bags are bad for the environment (mind you, so are humans, but we don’t go around disposing of them permanently (at least in a systematic way). Plastic bags simply don’t die: when you dump them, they take forever and a day to disintegrate (if they do, at all).
The cardboard box and the canvas bags are set to become daily essentials. The fashion industry will soon begin making sexy cardboard boxes and canvas bags that set your hormones on fire.
If you ask me, I think the carrier bag is a damn handy invention. It prevents you from dropping your shopping all over the place.
Why then, can’t we make bio-degradable carrier bags? This would solve the problem! We could go shopping AND carry our shopping around in carrier bags!
Is nobody thinking?
We can take the caffeine out of coffee; the fat out of food; the enjoyment out of life… and you’re telling me we can’t make a bio-degradable bag?
The black one is always more expensive…
I have come to the conclusion that, in life, you always pay more for the black one.
My pencil is chinese
My pencil is from China. How can I tell if it contains excessive amounts of lead?
How clever is your sat nav?
Do you talk to your sat nav? Do you argue with it when it tells you to go one way and you want to go the other? Do you shout at it and call it stupid when it can’t lock on to a satellite signal and you discover that you’ve been driving the wrong way for 2 miles when it finally does? Do you yell over it when it repeats an instruction at you at least three times, as though you were stupid?
I feel much better now…
Things that go boom
I had an idea today whilst sitting at the traffic lights. I was thinking for some reason about land mines and how many soldiers lose limbs when they have to test a land strip for the things.
Have you ever seen them doing this on TV? They tip-toe along and prod the ground very gently with a stick. And then, sometimes, they go boom.
Well, why not use rats instead? Why not pack a few truck-loads and then let them loose on the strip? As long as the soldiers and the rats don’t become friends on the way there, nobody gets ‘hurt’.
I mean emotionally.
Except the rats’ friends…
OK, if that’s a little controversial (Mickey Mouse has friends in high places) why not pack truck-loads of dead rats instead? They could throw the rats up ahead of them to see if they go boom.
Surely that has to be better than risking your own limbs?
OK, they could lob melons up onto the strip from a safe distance. At worse, they get showered in pips.
OK, that’s not a good option while there’s a food shortage…
Damn it, they could throw anything in front of them!
Why doesn’t somebody tell them!
I’m friends with a big fat spider
A big fat spider wearing glasses rushed into my bathroom this morning.
I shouted: ‘Hey, four-eyes!’
The spider laughed at my math…